Cute Polka Dotted Rainbow Bow Tie Ribbon The Blueberry Star: December 2016

Monday, December 26, 2016

Happy Birthday Bry ♥

So today, I'm celebrating the birthday of someone who is special and dear to me.
I've been planning a lot of surprise ideas but I guess some things aren't just enough for someone who means the world to you.

Our history was kinda cute yet complicated. 
He was my high school first love.
► got in a one-sided relationship
►broken up at some point
►became best buds during college.

I think being best friends for years played a huge part. Our friendship is going well and it wasn't awkward despite sharing a past together,  I've seen new sides of him and exposed some of his flaws that was unknown to me. I've never thought that I will come to love him again. For the second time around. It was risky given the fact that our friendship was at stake and I don't have the guts to have my heart broken twice by the same guy. I tried so many times to push him away coz we're up to no good but he stayed. He had seen the ugly side of me and still chose to stay and I think that's what made me more drawn into him.

Saturday, December 24, 2016


To be honest with you guys, I don't know where I'd start with this entry.
I'm losing my will to blog and it took me some time to do this as well. I'm supposed to publish my November entry today but I've decided to skip it.
I will try to continue blogging after this post. I just have to let these all out. 
Guys, I lost my mom last November 7, 2016 and that is one of the most devastating thing that happened in my whole life. :( 
It started with a flu, she wasn't feeling well for a couple of days yet she refused to have her checked at the hospital until my Aunt saw her as is if she's in a "stroke state', that's when they rushed her to UST Hospital's Emergency Room, I hurriedly headed over after work  and saw how yellowish she had become :( Her blood pressure had to be checked every 15 minutes as it was drastically dropping. Coz of her irritated condition, she would often removed her nasal cannula from her nose and would forced us to go home instead. Came next day, she was transferred to Kidney Center for a dialysis but the doctors had to stop as it could cause her death. Di nya daw kakayanin. She was still conscious that time and I was able to talk to her. She was even asking for food coz she haven't eaten properly since she got sick but as per doctor's order, eating is prohibited as it would reflect on her results. I remember her calling us three (me, my sister and brother) when we're waiting outside the room and when we got to her she just kind of stared at us and didn't say anything. I asked her to keep her eyes open and don't sleep. Tinanong pa nya ako kung bakit sabi ko wala lang. I was holding back my tears quietly coz I don't really want her to feel weaker if she see me crying. Since her dialysis had to be stopped, they transfer her to the Ultrasound Department to find out what was blocking around her stomach area. She asked us if we're going home upon seeing the nurses getting her ready but little did she know, she's only being transferred for another test. My dad jokingly replied "oo makakauwi na tayo, magpagaling ka muna". That was the last time we saw her conscious coz after the ultrasound session, she was no longer awake and they had to put her in ICU to stabilize her first before she can proceed with the dialysis again. :( She had gotten worst! It was a heartbreaking sight seeing the doctors cornered her yelling "Asuncion Gising!" just to wake her up yet no actions. She was slowly losing her ability to respond and was comatose. We were all wailing outside the room and the doctors were telling us to prepare ourselves. She was diagnosed with Septic Shock. A disease where an infection can caused multiple organ failure and dropping of blood pressure. It had gotten to a point where my Dad was asked to sign a waver wherein if my mom suffers a heart attack she'll no longer be revive. That's a family decision we all agreed on. Clearly, we don't want to make her suffer more than she already was. So my Dad signed it and we surrounded her in her bed saying our last words for her. I was talking to her the whole time, trying to make her respond, I've been saying "Ma, kung naririnig mo ako, sige nga idilat mo nga yung mata mo". After quite some time, I saw her slowly opening her eyes. Not enough to see us I guess but I know she tried her best. I prayed for a miracle, I thought she's going to be fine. I tried to cheer her more "Ma kaya mo naman pala eh, try mo ulit"!. But nope. No respond. At that very moment, and in that condition I know she's dying. She is obviously on the verge of life and death. I hoped for a miracle despite with the fact that the chances of her survival is poor. She was slowly losing her life at our very own eyes. My Dad said goodbye to her and that was the very first time I saw him cry throughout the day. I know he's been staying strong for so long for us. I told mom, "Ma, kung kaya mo pa try mo lumaban ha, nanjan naman yung mga machine tinutulungan ka kaya tulungan mo din yung sarili mo". I know I have to let her go. I know she needs to. I know she can't fight it anymore. So I told myself that it was really time to say goodbye so I stopped telling her those words and told her "Ma, okay na kami, okay lang mag let go kung hindi mo na talaga kaya. Wag mo na kaming isipin, isipin mo na lang ang sarili mo". "Mahal na mahal ka namin Ma".
She was pronounced dead at 9:17 pm of November 7,2016.

I  hugged my sister, my Dad and my brother as we all mourned for the loss of our dear mom/wife. So many thing happened on that day. It was quick and all of a sudden. We're not prepared in fact, I don't think we'll ever be. To prepare for someone's death ? Do people do that ? My Dad and my sister had to go home as they haven't slept and was physically tired as well while I stayed with my boyfriend to fix the documents needed to get her to the funeral. It was past midnight and everyone was emotionally unstable. Still in hazed, when the funeral picked her up from the hospital. You know it was such a heartbreaking thing seeing your own mother in the morgue and having asked by the funeral staffs, "Paki identify na lang po". Getting her out of that stainless coffin shaped fridge. I couldn't even take a look at her properly and her getting dragged in a cart like she's just a nobody. Di deserve ni mama yan, ibaba nyo sya jan. Parang di naman kase si mama yun. Parang ibang tao. That's what I told myself. After arriving at St. Peter where Kuya Aya was waiting, I hurriedly signed all the contracts and other important documents needed. I tear escaped my eye upon writing my mom's name in the "Name of Deceased". Like no. This is not real. Please wake me up. :(