To be honest with you guys, I don't know where I'd start with this entry.
I'm losing my will to blog and it took me some time to do this as well. I'm supposed to publish my November entry today but I've decided to skip it.
I will try to continue blogging after this post. I just have to let these all out. 
Guys, I lost my mom last November 7, 2016 and that is one of the most devastating thing that happened in my whole life. :( 
It started with a flu, she wasn't feeling well for a couple of days yet she refused to have her checked at the hospital until my Aunt saw her as is if she's in a "stroke state', that's when they rushed her to UST Hospital's Emergency Room, I hurriedly headed over after work  and saw how yellowish she had become :( Her blood pressure had to be checked every 15 minutes as it was drastically dropping. Coz of her irritated condition, she would often removed her nasal cannula from her nose and would forced us to go home instead. Came next day, she was transferred to Kidney Center for a dialysis but the doctors had to stop as it could cause her death. Di nya daw kakayanin. She was still conscious that time and I was able to talk to her. She was even asking for food coz she haven't eaten properly since she got sick but as per doctor's order, eating is prohibited as it would reflect on her results. I remember her calling us three (me, my sister and brother) when we're waiting outside the room and when we got to her she just kind of stared at us and didn't say anything. I asked her to keep her eyes open and don't sleep. Tinanong pa nya ako kung bakit sabi ko wala lang. I was holding back my tears quietly coz I don't really want her to feel weaker if she see me crying. Since her dialysis had to be stopped, they transfer her to the Ultrasound Department to find out what was blocking around her stomach area. She asked us if we're going home upon seeing the nurses getting her ready but little did she know, she's only being transferred for another test. My dad jokingly replied "oo makakauwi na tayo, magpagaling ka muna". That was the last time we saw her conscious coz after the ultrasound session, she was no longer awake and they had to put her in ICU to stabilize her first before she can proceed with the dialysis again. :( She had gotten worst! It was a heartbreaking sight seeing the doctors cornered her yelling "Asuncion Gising!" just to wake her up yet no actions. She was slowly losing her ability to respond and was comatose. We were all wailing outside the room and the doctors were telling us to prepare ourselves. She was diagnosed with Septic Shock. A disease where an infection can caused multiple organ failure and dropping of blood pressure. It had gotten to a point where my Dad was asked to sign a waver wherein if my mom suffers a heart attack she'll no longer be revive. That's a family decision we all agreed on. Clearly, we don't want to make her suffer more than she already was. So my Dad signed it and we surrounded her in her bed saying our last words for her. I was talking to her the whole time, trying to make her respond, I've been saying "Ma, kung naririnig mo ako, sige nga idilat mo nga yung mata mo". After quite some time, I saw her slowly opening her eyes. Not enough to see us I guess but I know she tried her best. I prayed for a miracle, I thought she's going to be fine. I tried to cheer her more "Ma kaya mo naman pala eh, try mo ulit"!. But nope. No respond. At that very moment, and in that condition I know she's dying. She is obviously on the verge of life and death. I hoped for a miracle despite with the fact that the chances of her survival is poor. She was slowly losing her life at our very own eyes. My Dad said goodbye to her and that was the very first time I saw him cry throughout the day. I know he's been staying strong for so long for us. I told mom, "Ma, kung kaya mo pa try mo lumaban ha, nanjan naman yung mga machine tinutulungan ka kaya tulungan mo din yung sarili mo". I know I have to let her go. I know she needs to. I know she can't fight it anymore. So I told myself that it was really time to say goodbye so I stopped telling her those words and told her "Ma, okay na kami, okay lang mag let go kung hindi mo na talaga kaya. Wag mo na kaming isipin, isipin mo na lang ang sarili mo". "Mahal na mahal ka namin Ma".
She was pronounced dead at 9:17 pm of November 7,2016.

I  hugged my sister, my Dad and my brother as we all mourned for the loss of our dear mom/wife. So many thing happened on that day. It was quick and all of a sudden. We're not prepared in fact, I don't think we'll ever be. To prepare for someone's death ? Do people do that ? My Dad and my sister had to go home as they haven't slept and was physically tired as well while I stayed with my boyfriend to fix the documents needed to get her to the funeral. It was past midnight and everyone was emotionally unstable. Still in hazed, when the funeral picked her up from the hospital. You know it was such a heartbreaking thing seeing your own mother in the morgue and having asked by the funeral staffs, "Paki identify na lang po". Getting her out of that stainless coffin shaped fridge. I couldn't even take a look at her properly and her getting dragged in a cart like she's just a nobody. Di deserve ni mama yan, ibaba nyo sya jan. Parang di naman kase si mama yun. Parang ibang tao. That's what I told myself. After arriving at St. Peter where Kuya Aya was waiting, I hurriedly signed all the contracts and other important documents needed. I tear escaped my eye upon writing my mom's name in the "Name of Deceased". Like no. This is not real. Please wake me up. :(

Di pa din nag sisink in sa akin hanggang ngayon. Ang sakit. In just a blink of an eye, I lost my mom. I don't know where to go from here. Ano na lang kami neto ? It's been almost a month since she passed away. Wala lang. The house itself estranged me. Sobrang kulang, wala ng mag iingay. Wala ng magluluto. Wala ng manlalambing sa akin kapag sahod na. Wala na. Kasi wala na si mama. You know guys, up until now, ang nasa isip ko nasa malayong lugar lang sya. Di ko alam kung nasan pero basta malayo, sabi pa nga sa akin ni Ate nag abroad lang si mama eh. Di ko pa din malaman kung papanong adjustment gagawin namin neto. My brother and I spent our birthdays just this December, that was the saddest and loneliest birthdays we've ever had, kase kung bahay pa sya kahit papano maghahanda yun. She would even teasingly greet me like "Happy Birthday Bibigang", that was the nickname they had given me nung bata pa ako. I hate it kapag tinatawag nya akong ganyan in my age, but now kahit ilang beses pa nya akong tawagin ng "Bibigang" di na ako magagalit. :( Marinig ko lang yung boses nya, bumalik lang sya okay na ako. My Dad has been playing old sad love songs every night. He lost his other half, and I can't even imagine how much more pain he was in. Kung nasasaktan kami ? Mas ano pa yung sa kanya ?

There were those times where I'd just breakdown and cry to my hearts content. Lalo na kapag umuuwi ako ng bahay after work, tapos sobrang nakakabingi yung katahimikan sa bahay. Everytime I think about it napapaiyak na lang talaga ako sa sakit. Bakit sya pa ? Sobrang aga pa God, why did you take her away ?

I haven't proven anything to her. I haven't made my dreams come true. At sayang hindi ko sya makakasama kapag na achieve ko na yun. 
I wonder if it always gonna be like this ? Ganito na lang ba kami ? I huge chunk of my heart and my soul has been taken away and no one can fill this void. 
Sobrang sakit mawalan ng ina. Sa totoo lang, I'm trying to tell myself it's gonna be okay pero parang hindi. 
Hinding hindi na ata ako magiging okay. 

And now I'm posting this a few hours away from Christmas. I'm still at work and I don't even feel all those vibes. 

Pano ko icecelebrate ? Eh kulang na kami ? Occasions like this will just be a reminder of her loss.
Guess who's gonna put up a front tonight.



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