I have spent my 20s grieving from the loss of my mom and trying to grow up so I can support my family better. Relocating to a new city in a house that is half built. I never had much time and money to go see the world, traveling domestically more so than internationally, simply because I can't afford it. My father then, didn't have work and was too old and sick to do so, while my brother was an upcoming college student. My sister and I were supporting them with all the bills and whatnot. I wasn't earning that much either, but we're surviving (thankfully!)

Since my mom passed, my dad has turned into a grumpy old man. He would often lash out, especially at our youngest brother, who had apparently stopped schooling since we had to move. He never got to apply for college coz he also passed when I was 25 during the pandemic. It was hard trying to understand how someone so young could be taken away from us in just a snap. He was only 19, so much life ahead of him. From then on, it was me, my sister, and my dad. 

My sister got pregnant after a few years and started her own family, leaving me with our dad back at home. The reality of supporting my dad had dawned on me. I remember once when I went grocery shopping and the only thing I had bought for myself was a set of napkins. I would always decline whenever my friends would ask me to join them to travel anywhere by plane, coz I couldn't leave him behind for so long. He couldn't cook to save his life and I would just worry all the time if I ever joined a trip. And of course, the financial aspect. I didn't have the liberty to splurge coz I got my dad to support.

I would join a weekend trip, yes, to nearby cities, but the guilt I would feel every time I go home was immeasurable. Oftentimes, I tell myself I don't deserve it or that I was being a bad daughter for leaving him behind. Sometimes, he would get mad at me for being out for so long. Being the only one he's got, it was hard not to feel mad that he was fixated on my every move. 

I see my friends and people I know traveling abroad, buying homes and cars, and living their lives to the fullest, while I was here, taking care of my sick dad and grieving the loss of two family members. I know it’s not right to compare, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t at least a little envious of the lives they have. I wish mine looked a little brighter, too

With just me and my sister left, it felt like I was starting over, and I honestly didn’t know where to begin. I had spent so much of my life taking care of my dad, putting his needs first, that I forgot how to prioritize myself. I remember going to Watson's shortly after he passed and spending nearly a thousand pesos on personal necessities. The guilt hit me so hard that I messaged my sister the moment I got home, just to process my emotions. I was sad. Sure, I can spoil myself a little, but it's not something I can really feel happy about. 

All my life, I’ve carried the weight of grief after losing three of the most precious people in my life. There are times I find myself asking God, “Why are you giving me all this? Do I really deserve to go through so much pain? Am I being punished for something? ” I know I’m far from perfect, I’ve made my share of mistakes, but I don’t think I deserve this kind of suffering. I mean, I didn’t kill anyone. 

I don't hate God for everything, but there was a time when I turned my back on Him. I miss them so much, but knowing the three of them are together up there, happy, healthy and at peace, helps me bear the pain. 

People often ask me how I cope with losing three members of my family. Honestly, I never know what to say. Sometimes I just tell them, “It is what it is,” even though deep inside, I feel like I die a little every time. It’s hard to move on from something you never really wanted to let go of.

When my dad died, that was my breaking point. I shut everyone out, friends, relatives, everyone. I didn’t want to hear condolences or comforting words. I didn’t want people checking up on me. I thought I didn’t need anyone. So I kept to myself, and that went on for months. 

Slowly, just like the changing seasons, I eventually came around. I managed to climb out of the dark place I had been stuck in for so long. I started going out again, reconnecting with friends and family, and it’s been therapeutic ever since.

My life may not be as fortunate as others’, but this is the only life I have. If I spend it dwelling on “what ifs,” feeling depressed and unhappy, I’ll only be wasting the time I’ve been given. I’m already 30 maybe I have 20 or 30 more years ahead of me if I’m lucky so I want to live them to the fullest. 

I just want to be happy.

 bakit sobrang tagal matapos ng September? 

On Facebook feed, people are saying September went by in a blink of an eye. 

How, sir and ma'am?

It felt like I was on Sept 54th!!

I had a trip, joined a fun run, survived a super typhoon, a protest happened, yet we're still in the same freaking month.

BUT IT'S BER MONTHS NOW AND I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW, I'M A CHRISTMAS GIRLIE THROUGH AND THROUGH! ♥

    Before I get all nostalgic, we will proceed with our September blog diary. 

First up is our Palawan trip! My 4th trip this year♥

Traveling around the Philippines, one destination at a time, feels like a dream come true. I honestly haven’t been this “outside” in so long. There’s still so much more to discover, and I’m excited to slowly tick them off my list. Coron and El Nido, I’m coming for you someday!

CLICK HERE TO READ THE REST OF MY PALAWAN TRIP!

On the 2nd week, I took myself on a solo date at Glorietta to watch 100 Awit Para Kay Stella. I just had to—after bawling my eyes out over the first one a couple of years back. This sequel was good too; I’d say the ending felt more acceptable and realistic… but yeah, it still hurt like a mf.

That Sunday was the Rexona 10 Miler – Makati leg. It’s the farthest I’ve ever run so far, and definitely the toughest too. Still, it’s a milestone I’m really proud of!

CLICK HERE TO READ THE REST OF THAT RUN!

On the 3rd week, I finally got to hang out with my best friend Bill, whom I hadn’t seen in months! We went all out in a crazy karaoke session with Jobs and Ehma. I didn’t realize how much I missed singing my heart out, being silly with music, dancing around, and getting all emotional over songs.

It really brought me back to the old days when I was still living in Manila. Back then, we couldn’t even afford Karaoke Hub, so we’d line up at World of Fun’s karaoke booth since it was way cheaper for high school kids.

We capped the night with coffee at CBTL (I just grabbed some milk, lol). Honestly, it was such a fun night that I didn’t even end up with a single photo!

some more snaps from my camera roll

- Frankie's Wings paired with a cocktail from Malabar because I'm actually feeling brave that morning, day drinking

- this Halloween inspired Ukulele from Flying Tiger! I wanna buy it so baaad but I had to stop myself from being impulsive

- my broken eye glasses (badly need a new one!)

- Discovered another cafe near our are - Coffee Scape. I had Matcha Berry and it was good :)

- my nephew who I love so much, is growing so fast nakakainisss

- random selfie (been playing with makeup lately too!)

Now let's go to my Netflix Department.

1.) Ratched - The story was so unpredictable, which is exactly what kept me hooked! I really enjoy this kind of genre, and it was also nice seeing Miranda again.

2.) Love Con Revenge—It’s a documentary about two women who helped victims of fake lovers and romance scams. It was so satisfying to see the men finally put in their place, but it also highlighted how unfair the justice system can still be towards women.

1.) Clockwork - Laufey (used to ignore this song, but I fell in love with it the moment I tried singing it!)

2.) Nobody's Son - Sabrina Carpenter (it is true though "there's nobody's son left for me to believe in." This world got me smh-ing every fucking hour).

3.) Go Go Juice - Sabrina Carpenter (the truth is I can be as petty as Sabrina when drunk)

4.) Supernatural - Ariana Grande (had this song on full blast while driving around Palawan)

5.) Deslocado - Napa (discovered this song thru IG and now I gotta memorize the lyrics coz rn all I'm saying is "nepasepase pase" in the chorus)

Might I add that this girl actually tried reading a book—and even went back to my 4-year-old unfinished cross stitch. I’m giving it another shot, and it’s been pretty fun! I usually work on it while watching The Office, so yeahhh.

On a more serious note, this September has been tough. It makes me sad that people aren’t getting their taxes’ worth because of corruption. Kawawa ang mga Pilipino. Our country has so much potential, but we’re being robbed of a better life. I just hope this issue doesn’t die down. Those responsible need to be caught and held accountable

See you in my next blog!

This is officially the longest distance I’ve ever run! I wasn’t fully prepared—my training only went up to 10K—but I still went for the plot and signed up for a 10-mile run at the Rexona 10 Miler – Makati Leg. Unahin ang yabang!

The run was just a week after Palawan, and being a true Tita, I was still recovering from all the tiredness and puyat. I didn’t manage to squeeze in any training that week, so I showed up completely unprepared. I made sure to get a decent night’s sleep before race day though. Honestly, none of this would’ve happened if I’d just said no when my cousin asked me to sign up—but there I was, heading to the race village at 1AM lol. 

When I run solo, I usually get to the venue just 5–10 minutes before gun start, so this was my first time being super early. At least we had enough time to warm up (thank God!), wander around a bit, and then head to the starting line.

I saw Bernadette Sembrano and she was standing close to me!!

I even spotted the man himself, Coach Rio! When the clock hit zero, we took off. Bernadette started out ahead of me, but I lost her pretty quickly since she was running a bit faster and I just couldn’t keep up. At that point, it was either finish a 16K run or make it a 1994–2025 kind of run—and trust me, no one wanted any fatalities that day!

I also lost my cousin—istg that guy ran so fast. But we had already agreed not to wait for each other and just stick to our own paces. Honestly, that worked out perfectly, because at the end of the day the real goal was just to stay alive.

I was doing okay at first, but by mile 3 I was already feeling tired—thanks to that uphill flyover in EDSA. T^T Totally forgot I went through the same struggle during the Sunnies Run

By mile 9, I caught up with my friend Xander, where I ended up ranting and almost crying from exhaustion. I swear, I was this close to giving up. The distance was no joke—I literally walked from 12K to 16K! :(

I was a little disappointed in myself for finishing at 2:40, but still proud that I managed to cover the distance. More than anything, it left me motivated to train harder and push myself to do better next time.

After the race, I met up with my cousin again. We roamed around a bit but didn’t really stick around for the whole program. I even caught him getting his shoes cleaned lol

The most famous post-run snack ! BANANA!!!

Here's me and my first finisher shirt ! ♥

and again, a little celebratory treat!

Thank you, self, for still finishing and for not giving out! 

See you in my September Blog Diary!