My "Midnight Rain" Story

 Currently listening to "Midnight Rain", while typing this, and this is basically where I got the idea for today's blog. Apparently, it's also a Tiktok trend wherein people would tell their breakup stories. I think we all have that someone who without a doubt, will always have a special place in our hearts. Our TOTGA aka The One That Got Away. The ones we had to let go for whatever reason. 

So I thought I'd share mine today, grab a popcorn while you're at it.

Let's call him "R". So R was my classmate throughout College years. He's kind, not much of a talker, shy type of guy but he'd always make me copy his answers on quizzes since we were seated next to each other lol I was outgoing, talkative, and the one who's always with the squad. We were so different from each other so I'd always strike up a conversation. I mean with a big-ass loud mouth, I'm not one to stay silent throughout the class. Since he's the quiet type, it did take some time for us to get comfortable talking with each other. I've had a tiny bit of a happy crush on him coz he's this cute, tall, payat, and maputi with the emo/mysterious vibe aura around him but I wasn't a fan of confessing such little emotions back then so I kept my mouth shut. 

When another boy courted me, I entertained him, and soon enough we got into a relationship. Which I'd rather not talk about because it was toxic. I was this fresh college student who was overly excited to have her first lover and I got so worked up on that idea that even when I barely liked the dude, I gave it a try. I was just under the impression that having your first boyfriend in College would all be kilig, and butterflies but it's the worst of the worst lol I broke up with him just after 3 months of dating. Believe me, when I tell you, it felt like YYEAAARRSS! Coming from a toxic relationship really fucked me up. My mental health was really bad at that time. R, he was nice enough to cheer me up and be there for me since my ex was still bugging, and threatening me at that time. I was never mending a broken heart since all I got from that relationship was madness, anxiety, and the desperate need to get away from my ex and R was there to the rescue. Like a knight in shining armor. Not only did he give me butterflies, but he also treated me like some fine jewelry. 

I was happy, and my heart was just full of love. He was just there, checking all my green flag lists like he'd read my mind. BARE MINIMUM? What's that? He would walk me home, and would always make sure that I was taken care of. Never missed a day. We'd always spend the day together after our class, just eating somewhere, watching movies in Cinema, or just staying at the park, talking til the night comes. We would visit our friends, and go out drinking. But I got to know R personally, he'd tell me stories about his family and how he got his scar on his arm. Got introduced to his best friend too! Even met my mom because I was in the same group as him in one of our school projects. Mom actually asked me about him when he picked me up from home one morning. I bet at that time, she knew something was up, and I loved her reaction, she didn't go all protective mom mode but more of kinikilig HAHA !

I remember one time, we were walking through a busy crowd of Carriedo, if you know that place, you know it's just a pack of people walking to and fro. My shoelaces got untied while strolling so I stopped in my tracks to tie them, and R, despite the pool of people bumping into us from every direction. He got down on one knee and fucking tied my shoelaces for me!!! I'm telling you he raises my standard so high I had to act okay when my kilig was at its peak. We were just so in love, and everyone in the class was rooting for us. I couldn't have asked for more. 

But just like the lyrics, "I broke his heart, coz' he was nice". I did the very same thing. I stopped him and put an end to us. It was never a relationship, but we were almost there. I was young back then, and I got scared of loving someone again. The trauma from a toxic relationship took a toll on me. Despite his pure intentions, I didn't think it was the right time to be getting into a new relationship when I barely escaped the last one. Thought I was ready to give love a try again, but even then, I knew. 

I knew that one day, I was going to regret the decision I made. But as the song goes, "All of me changed, like midnight". It's like something snapped inside me and I chose to do what I felt was the right thing to do at that time. 

TO LET HIM GO.

It felt like hell having to say no to someone you once genuinely loved. I loved him, I did, way more than I loved my toxic ex (not even sure if I loved the dude but ok). With him, it's just good energy. 

But, above all, I was a fool to seek comfort from someone else when I knew all along I was wrecked. I haven't fully healed from my past scars and but here he was healing a heart he did not break. It was my fault. Everything was my fault and the only words I could tell him were, "I'm sorry". As if those were enough.

I was stupid, confused, and a mess and he was nice, sweet, and thoughtful. I'd cry for nights just thinking about how I broke his little heart when all it did is love me. The thought of being the reason for someone's sadness pained me and I didn't realize how cowardly I became.

After some time, we both remained single and civil with each other. Though our friends would always tease us but that's pretty much it. We were still friends but I knew, he still cared. And so was I. 

From afar.

And on my birthday, he gave me a portrait he made. It was the first time someone drew my face! and I was like what the fucking fuxkkk I don't deserve you at all but here you go again raising the bar!! Just imagine how long it took him to finish it. I still have it today just an FYI, I remember asking him to sign the portrait for safe-keeping purposes. True enough when I found my old file case the other day, it was sitting there with his signature on it. A good memory to look back on. 

Now going back to the story... 

Fast forward to the weeks leading up to our graduation, everyone was busy complying with the paperwork and whatnot, and some of us had issues with our professor who, apparently, was no longer working in the school at that time. We had to get his signature for a document that we needed to submit. I had no contact with my former professor, and there was no way I could get it done. It was stressful because I couldn't graduate without it. Yet, HE WAS THERE once again, saving the day for me. He went out of his way to visit my professor IN HIS HOME to get my document signed. I could never thank him enough for it, and I know I owe him big time! We graduated together. We never got back. We never tried again. 

I know in the back of my head that I could never ever find someone as nice, as loving, as thoughtful as him, and I wasted that chance. R was devoted, and would always go the extra mile. HE NEVER GAVE ME A REASON TO BE JEALOUS, OR INSECURE ABOUT OTHER WOMEN OR EVEN TO MYSELF. 

I even remember that one time, I was already working, when both our circles decided to meet for a night out, and one of his close buddies whispered in my ear, "Di na nag jowa yung tropa ko par dahil sayo", while shaking his head in disappointment. I was just thankful the band was playing loudly or else they'll hear my heart crying for him. It was just a moment, I will never ever forget. 

I never knew the term, TOTGA (The One That Got Away), until it became popular. I still think about what could have been if I stayed. I have my regrets but if you ask me now if I did the right thing, I will gladly say yes with a big smile on my face. We are not meant to be together anyway. He was meant for someone who can love him the way he deserves to be loved and that will probably not be me. Y'all I'm just happy because he found the love of his life and I'll always silently wish him success from afar. 

"And I never think of him, except on midnights like this"...

xoxo

Grace