I finally solved the years-long puzzle that's been on my mind. For so long, people I'm friends with or even my exes would tell me how clingy I am. Like I get jealous when a close friend, finds a new friend. I get upset when people bail on me. 

And you know what? I am undoubtedly, CLINGY. The point where I somehow developed this co-dependency in every relationship I've had and now I realize the reason why and this goes way back to my childhood. 

We were a family of five, I have an older sister and a younger brother, which makes me the middle child. And growing up, I used to feel like I was neglected of attention, affection, toys, and even clothes. Being the second daughter, I rarely have new clothes because I'd often get hand-me-downs. It was practical, yes. But I still get jealous that my sister gets to wear nice and pretty clothes while I get her old ones. I recently found an old photo of us with my cousins in an inflatable pool where my sister was all dressed up kawaii in her tiny tutu swimwear and you know what I was wearing??? Nothing but a panty lol I was topless!! How could my momma let me swim half-naked lolol I still laugh about it with my sister whenever we remember! Also, when she and I got dengue, she was admitted to the hospital while I was sent home to recover. My parents would stay with her while I stayed at home with my aunts who would then force me to finish gallons and gallons of water a day. One of our Tita's also gifted her this cool toy as a recovery gift while I got nothing. I was as sick as her and I missed her because we hadn't seen each other for days at that time and despite the fact that we were treated differently by our parents, we were still close. It doesn't bother me as much today, in fact, we are closer than ever now, but the effects of a neglected childhood remain. I'll tell you why.

When my brother was born 6 years after me, he became the star of our family instantly. True enough he was. He's this cute, fair-skinned baby with thick black hair. The people in our neighborhood would often tease me that I was no longer the favorite or that I was not the baby anymore. Like the little clueless me, I dodged it like a bullet. I thought to myself, Nah I'm good. But that changed as I grew older. 

By that time, my sister was doing so well in her academics, always in the star section and we were enrolled in the same school so just imagine the pressure of doing great and making sure I do not fuck up her reputation. Once the teachers find out I'm her sister, I'd automatically be a leader of the group and I struggled to keep my grades up!

When I entered college, things became a lot more annoying. I was being monitored by my parents because my sister despite having an attitude(and a bitch lol) did still pretty well in literally everything ikrrr?, and since she was first born, my mom was proud to have her panganay in College. I mean who wouldn't be, right? 

Back then, I used to refer myself as the black sheep of the family. I was always going out with friends. My mom and I would get into arguments a lot. She seemed to always have it at me. ALL THE DAMN TIME. I was not a bad kid but I definitely knew how to push buttons. But like the young adult in me, I craved fun. When I gained a few pounds, she accused me of being pregnant!!! I love you Atunton in heaven but you used to be that crazy lmao di ba pwedeng inuubos ko kase yung 1 week kong allowance sa isang araw kakalamon??

My brother on the other hand seemed to not be doing well in academics as my sister and I were, but since he's the bunso, he was still damn spoiled. Being provided with everything he's asked for. Getting all the attention, he was my mom's favorite child I mean he was the sweetest though but I wonder what that feels like? To be asked "Ano gusto mo"?

I grew up rarely hearing praise from my parents. It got me thinking that I was quite loved but not enough and that I will never be anyone's favorite person. This brings us to today, my personality was shaped into someone who craves love, affection, and attention. I was never heard nor listened to so I usually kept my thoughts to myself (if not on this blog). When someone genuinely compliments me, I find it hard to believe them because, at the back of my head, I'll never be good enough. This is the reason why I love spending time with people outside of my family circle. Because oftentimes, they see me and they hear me out though I tend to overshare because again, I was never heard at home. 

I don't really blame it entirely on my birth order but I can't deny that it really has some impacting effects on me as a full-blown adult. 

And if I'm fortunate to have children someday, I will make sure to treat them all equally, especially the middle child. 

xoxo

Grace

 "August slipped away into a moment in time", indeed it did. Can't help but be amazed at how time flies. This time last year I was this struggling newly-hired recruiter overwhelmed with the fast-paced industry. Honestly, I'm not on the right career path. Even now, there's a lot of contemplating in my head. Had I been smarter, I would've gotten a high-paying job. I mean sure I'm comfortable, but to be out there and see what the world has to offer. I just know I'm meant for something more like Onlyfans LOL

Enough about my career dilemma, here's how my August went. 

Starting strong with my 3rd and 4th tattoos. Yes as seen on my Facebook and IG. I impulsively got two more tatts. Yup, IMPULSIVELY because I booked an appointment the same day and headed to where I had my first two at PintaDon Tattoo Studio. For some context, I was just supposed to meet a friend around Kapitolyo, which was just a couple of blocks away from the studio, so I asked my friend, Jobelle and she was hella down. And just that, I got four tiny ones. Will I get a bigger one next time? hell yeah. Just need some leveled-up convincing powers to get my dad's approval. (FULL BLOG SOON)

On the second week, we paid a visit to my mom along with my nephew. Quite an event since we waited for him to turn a year old to visit his Lula Atunton because apparently, babies are spirit magnets and as superstitious as it sounds, there's no harm in following such. I mean, the last thing I want is for this kid to take home some scary entity from the cemetery.

Took him to a Coffee Shop after and I was supposed to take him to his first Kidzoona experience but he was just so damn tired that he fell asleep. SAAN KA NAPAGOD?????

The very next day, I met up with my colleagues. Had lunch at Gringo's. Strolled around Makati, and found this little park situated in a busy city. We also discovered a coffee shop/Bar nearby, "The Curator". It's a Coffee shop out in the front with a bar in the backroom. I always wanted to try this kind of hidden/secret bar/speakeasy type and this discovery just made me so static! I had a lemon from their coffee shop and had 2 cocktails when the bar opened. THIS IS MY KIND OF BAR!! I often picture myself going to this kind of place, sitting at the bar counter, and asking the bartender for a shot of their strongest alcohol. And did I mention that "The Curator" is ranked 38th in Asia's 50 Best Bars? RIGHT??????  It was super tiring but I enjoyed every little bit. 

On the last week of August, Gail and I went to get our nails done! For her pre-birthday celeb, we went to Ginza Gyu in Makati It's also my first time trying out a semi-high-grade Wagyu beef, and boy oh boy was that a sumptuous lunch. It was soo damn good. I'm not even much of a beef eater but that was obviously an exception. Wagyu ftw!!!

And being the spoiled bestieee, she gifted me another twinning phone case. Love ya birthday girl! thank you ♥

So that was pretty much all my August dump. 

For my Netflix department, I got plenty!

 I've watched some pretty nerd stuff like Aliens lolol I was soo bored that I randomly clicked on "Top UFO Secret Projects" followed by, "Alien Worlds". 

I switched to "A Man Called Otto" for a change and that show fucked me up so bad. I did cry!!! Otto reminds me of my Dad so much, ever since my mom passed, he became so much grumpier and impatient. Perhaps, it's normal for an old man his age. Was a good tear-jerker. 1000/10

And if I wasn't being random about my movie choices, I saw "Hustlers" too. A movie about strippers coz why tf not. If my chosen path fails me, at least I'm equipped!!

Oh and finally finished watching, "Dynasty". Been a huge fan of Fallon Carrington since 2018!!! She just gives off this strong independent business-minded woman and I love her for it. She's exactly the woman I aspire to become!! A pretty decent ending, I would say. 

I also have watched "Inventing Anna", she was such a badass lolol I have no words for her but she embodies the type of woman who will get whatever she wants in every way possible so long as she can support her lavish lifestyle. Social climbing is an understatement. She's a con artist and was really good at it. 

Here are the others, I've watched. 

- Bride Wars

- Good on Paper

- Falling for Christmas

How was I able to finish a series, and get tattoos, while trying to keep my social spirits up? August was hella busy. No wonder I got sick. Probably my body's way of telling me to chill tf down. LOL

Top Songs for the Month:

1.) Spinnin - Madison Beer

2.) From The Start - Laufey

3.) Be More - Stephen Sanchez

4.) Vampire - Olivia Rodrigo

5.) Sparks - Coldplay  

bye mothafuckaszzz

xoxo

Grace