Being the Middle Child Sucks

I finally solved the years-long puzzle that's been on my mind. For so long, people I'm friends with or even my exes would tell me how clingy I am. Like I get jealous when a close friend, finds a new friend. I get upset when people bail on me. 

And you know what? I am undoubtedly, CLINGY. The point where I somehow developed this co-dependency in every relationship I've had and now I realize the reason why and this goes way back to my childhood. 

We were a family of five, I have an older sister and a younger brother, which makes me the middle child. And growing up, I used to feel like I was neglected of attention, affection, toys, and even clothes. Being the second daughter, I rarely have new clothes because I'd often get hand-me-downs. It was practical, yes. But I still get jealous that my sister gets to wear nice and pretty clothes while I get her old ones. I recently found an old photo of us with my cousins in an inflatable pool where my sister was all dressed up kawaii in her tiny tutu swimwear and you know what I was wearing??? Nothing but a panty lol I was topless!! How could my momma let me swim half-naked lolol I still laugh about it with my sister whenever we remember! Also, when she and I got dengue, she was admitted to the hospital while I was sent home to recover. My parents would stay with her while I stayed at home with my aunts who would then force me to finish gallons and gallons of water a day. One of our Tita's also gifted her this cool toy as a recovery gift while I got nothing. I was as sick as her and I missed her because we hadn't seen each other for days at that time and despite the fact that we were treated differently by our parents, we were still close. It doesn't bother me as much today, in fact, we are closer than ever now, but the effects of a neglected childhood remain. I'll tell you why.

When my brother was born 6 years after me, he became the star of our family instantly. True enough he was. He's this cute, fair-skinned baby with thick black hair. The people in our neighborhood would often tease me that I was no longer the favorite or that I was not the baby anymore. Like the little clueless me, I dodged it like a bullet. I thought to myself, Nah I'm good. But that changed as I grew older. 

By that time, my sister was doing so well in her academics, always in the star section and we were enrolled in the same school so just imagine the pressure of doing great and making sure I do not fuck up her reputation. Once the teachers find out I'm her sister, I'd automatically be a leader of the group and I struggled to keep my grades up!

When I entered college, things became a lot more annoying. I was being monitored by my parents because my sister despite having an attitude(and a bitch lol) did still pretty well in literally everything ikrrr?, and since she was first born, my mom was proud to have her panganay in College. I mean who wouldn't be, right? 

Back then, I used to refer myself as the black sheep of the family. I was always going out with friends. My mom and I would get into arguments a lot. She seemed to always have it at me. ALL THE DAMN TIME. I was not a bad kid but I definitely knew how to push buttons. But like the young adult in me, I craved fun. When I gained a few pounds, she accused me of being pregnant!!! I love you Atunton in heaven but you used to be that crazy lmao di ba pwedeng inuubos ko kase yung 1 week kong allowance sa isang araw kakalamon??

My brother on the other hand seemed to not be doing well in academics as my sister and I were, but since he's the bunso, he was still damn spoiled. Being provided with everything he's asked for. Getting all the attention, he was my mom's favorite child I mean he was the sweetest though but I wonder what that feels like? To be asked "Ano gusto mo"?

I grew up rarely hearing praise from my parents. It got me thinking that I was quite loved but not enough and that I will never be anyone's favorite person. This brings us to today, my personality was shaped into someone who craves love, affection, and attention. I was never heard nor listened to so I usually kept my thoughts to myself (if not on this blog). When someone genuinely compliments me, I find it hard to believe them because, at the back of my head, I'll never be good enough. This is the reason why I love spending time with people outside of my family circle. Because oftentimes, they see me and they hear me out though I tend to overshare because again, I was never heard at home. 

I don't really blame it entirely on my birth order but I can't deny that it really has some impacting effects on me as a full-blown adult. 

And if I'm fortunate to have children someday, I will make sure to treat them all equally, especially the middle child. 

xoxo

Grace