To Our Little One Above.

It was quarter to 9pm Friday of March 2020. I was about to give myself some nice warm bath after doing a quick workout when I received a text from my Dad saying my younger brother had collapsed while having dinner. Panic took over me. I had never felt so helpless in my life that time coz I was not home. I was staying over at my best friend's place and currently caught on lockdown! Minutes after, I received a call from my cousin who went to the hospital with him. My heart dropped when he told me my brother was not responding anymore and the doctors were reviving him for quite a while then. 

There were thousands of questions running through my head. How did it all happened? He was clearly fine! He's not sick or feeling something the last time he walked me to the terminal when I went to work. How ? Please tell me you're joking God. Not my brother please. Spare him. 

I already lost my mom back in 2016. I can't afford to lose another family member. :(

He's too young and full of dreams, why him ? He's only 19 for goodness sake!

I asked my cousin to put his phone on loud speak, and put it closely in his ear so he could hear me. I was literally screaming in hopes of waking him up but to no avail. A part of me had died when the doctor who spoke to me over the phone confronted me about the situation. They had revived him 10 times already but he's not responding anymore. He had no pulse when he arrived at the hospital. Soon, they stop and just like that, I lost my brother. You will never understand what I felt that time. I felt like the world had collapsed over my shoulder. I was bawling my eyes out, shouting his name crying as if he could hear me. You will never understand how I tried to get some sleep that night knowing he lost his little life without me by his side. I knew about the enhanced community lock down but that time FUCK IT. FUCK THE VIRUS!

FUCK THE PEOPLE WHO WON'T LET ME TRAVEL BECAUSE OF THE FUCKING CURFEW!! FUCK THE LOCK DOWN!!

I was angry and disappointed in myself that I couldn't even do something for him. The next morning, I asked a friend to drop me off the funeral parlor. We never got to see him but that's where I met with my Dad and my sister. We all hugged and cried in silence. I felt sorry especially to my dad. He's old and weak, he should not be feeling extreme emotions at this age. But there, we sat all three, talking about the arrangements for his cremation. Yes, it was our last resort.. As much as we wanted to have his wake and viewing for our dear friends and family, we couldn't do it because of the lock down. No one would show up. With a grieving heart, we agreed to have him cremated with only a day for viewing. Exclusively for us. It was all that we could do. The current crisis made it harder for us, even to just get to the funeral parlor. Thankful that we have friends who offered a ride and made our lives easier.

The day of the viewing was so gloomy, it was the saddest wake setup I had ever seen. He deserves so much better than no flowers and plain white casket. Above all, he doesn't deserve to be in there. 

With just the seven of us, we accompanied him to the crematory in Loyola. I'm pretty sure there will be a lot of people who would come and send him off if we don't have the crisis that we have now. I think seeing your lifeless brother being pushed inside the big oven was the most horrifying memory that I would have to live for the rest of my life. :( Sadly, this was really a bad timing to lose a loved one. There will never be a perfect timing of course but we were more torn because of it. In addition to this, people assumed that he died because of the virus. While this was inevitable given the situation and the large spread, my brother did not die of it. He died because of Myocardial Infarction, commonly known as heart attack. It was the first attack he had and he succumbed to it. No one knew he had it. My dad had his first attack when I was still in high school but I'm not sure if my brother got it from him. 

After the cremation, we got his urn and walked home from Pasig to Taguig. Yes. it was 2 or more hours of walking with my family and my cousin holding my brother's urn in his chest. We were so tired and helpless but we couldn't get a ride because of the ECQ. Everything is difficult. 

It's hard getting by. I miss him so much however, the only thing I can do is be strong and move way passed this nightmare. I'm not okay, but my family needs me. 

and to you my brother, 

I wish you would tell me you are happy with mom up there.

I miss your noisy mouth yet I wish I could hear you talk again.

You never sing on tune but I would never call you out for it, just let me hear your voice and I'll be fine.

I miss singing duets with you and the way you would correct my tones especially when it's a Mariah song (coz's she is your all time fave).

Music had bonded us so much. We would jam to kpop, or just any song that we would thought of. 

I miss "baby talking" with you! A lot ! That's the only childish trait I have left with me and you took it with you. 

You would tickle me everytime I go to bed and I would pretend I didn't like it when in fact, I do. 

You would walk me to the terminal at night when I go to work, just to see me off and would tell me to text you once I reached the office.

You have so much potential and I know you didn't see it coz that's just the way you are. You never believed in yourself and what you are capable of doing and I'm sorry you turned out to be such :(

But hey, you love drawing using only "Paint" on the computer and I would always be surprised by how talented you were when it comes to maximizing the limited tools of it. Ate and I knew that you probably had gotten Daddy's talent in drawing. That's also the reason why I was suggesting you to get an Art Degree instead! I'm telling you, you would have been so darn successful if you choose that field!

I was not always an affectionate ate but I love telling people stories about you and about our bonding and they would laugh their assess off! In short, I miss bullying you !

I miss waking up to your annoying falsetto voice lol!

I miss doing the laundry with you!

I miss treating you milktea and our little trips to the mall.

I miss seeing your memes on Facebook.

I miss lazying up with you in bed.

Heck I even miss you calling me a bitch! lol 

I told myself that if I become rich, I would spoil you and Dad to your heart's contents!! But I guess we'll just have to see now. 

When mom passed on, you're the one in charge of Dad most of the time coz Ate and I have to work so we could support us. You're forced to mature and I applaud you for it. I remember that one time, when you and Dad fought and you just burst out in tears in front of me. You never cried that much but I knew you had kept it all inside for a long time. As an ate, seeing you cry made me tear up too. But I held it in and tried to comfort you while making the mood lighter. I pretended to be strong but I cried to Ate when I gave her a call and told her about it later that night. You're just this little ball of sunshine that I want to keep forever, but for some reason Mom probably misses her bunso that's why she asked God if she could have you too.

You might not be the smartest kid in the room, but you always have something in you that makes you unique! and I love you for that.

You have a way to get people's hearts. You're friendly, loud, patient, apologetic and understanding. Even when we fight, sometimes I feel like you're the bigger person when I should be one! You would still be the one to come up apologize even when it's entirely my fault! That's how kind and genuine you are as a person that not many people know of. 

With you, I could be myself, I could be dumbass and that's okay because that's just how we bond together. I promise you, Grasya and Meli Joy will be strong for Pido. Don't worry about us anymore, we're going to be just fine, eventually. Kaya na namin to. Wag ka ng mamroblema diyan! I know you're with Atunton now and I'm happy just thinking that you two are finally together, nako miss na miss ka din nyan ni Atunton! :)

You will never get to read this, or you're probably sitting beside me while I ugly cry typing this now, but thank you for the 19 years that you had spent with us. I wish for it to be longer but seems like God had other plans. I love you so much Leeboy I know you know that. 

Missing you with all my heart, 

Ate ♥