30-Day Writing Challenge (DAY 13) If I Could Have A Do-Over

 Hi all! Welcome to Day 13. I'm supposed to talk about my commute to and from work as per our challenge for Day 13 but I work from home so there really isn't much to discuss. With that being said, I changed the topic that I wanted to talk about instead. 

I have so many entries but the one thing that sits at the top is the day I lost my mom. As you may all know she died of Septic Shock. A bacterial infection that can kill your organs if not treated immediately. Back in August of 2016, just a couple of days after my mom celebrated her birthday, we rushed her to the hospital due to a UTI. It was not as serious and she recovered in no time. When November came, she became sick again and would rather spend her time sleeping it off and would take some medicine to make it all go away. One day when I went home from work, I found her sleeping on the sofa in our living room. My dad was forcing her to go to the hospital but she was so against the idea. She wouldn't wanna go and would say it wasn't anything concerning. We all respected her decision. However, the next day I went home from work, she was not at home and all the neighbors told me that she was sent to the hospital due to a stroke. I was so clueless, no one from my family informed me about her condition at all until my Aunt fetched me from home and headed together to the hospital. 

Upon reaching the ER at UST Hospital, she was still conscious and we could still talk to her. She even asked if she could eat. We all said she could once we're given a go signal. The doctor had no idea what was causing her pain, but we all know it's serious. They wanted her to do all sorts of laboratory tests to find out. We just all knew she had UTI a few months back so that's what we were all thinking. Hoping it was a treatable UTI. But we were all wrong. The next day, upon leaving the x-ray room, we noticed that we could no longer talk to her. She was deep in sleep and there were few responses. My family and I were all going to and from the hospital to take her for tests. 

When the night came, the doctor confronted us that she was having a Septic Shock and had she been admitted early, this could have been prevented and treated. But it was too late for her. She passed that same night. It was so heartbreaking seeing her slowly fade away. She was no longer responding. I could still hear the doctors shouting her name many times in an attempt for any response, but nothing.

If I have one thing that I want to have a do-over, it would be that day. If only I had been more convincing in getting her out of bed and off to the hospital, she would probably still be here. It pisses me off and I hate myself for not doing enough. I failed as a daughter miserably. She just wanted to eat at the ER, I wish I was able to feed her if I knew that was gonna be the last time. I wish I could have a time machine and go back to that same day, and take an absence from work to look after her instead. There's just so much I could've done better. But everything happened all too fast. 

Writing this makes me so emotional, It still hurts to this day and no amount of regretting and crying can bring her back. 

Love your mothers while they are still alive. The void they leave will stay with you.

and that shit hurts

xoxo

Grasya